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**Forewarning: This was a pretty traumatic experience. This story is not meant to scare you. But it is more so intended to help and guide you, in case your birth plan doesn't go exactly "as planned". Brace yourself**
It all started on Thursday, June 8th, at 7:00P.M. My husband, Aaron, was sleeping, as he had to be up at 3:00A.M. to go to work. #oilfieldlife
I laid in bed with cramps until around 9P.M. and thought WHOA. What was that. All of a sudden, I got some intense back pain. It was a "different" pain though. Hmm.. I wonder if this could be back labour, I thought. No, I'm only 39 weeks, wait. 39 weeks. Maybe it IS labour... I'm EXCITED. I'm SCARED. Brianne, calm down. It's probably just your back hurting from carrying this baby for what seems like a lifetime.
While I tried to calm myself, without waking up Aaron, I thought it was a good time to hop in the tub for a nice, relaxing bath. The pain got worse, and the bath was in fact, NOT relaxing. My bath turned into a shower, that was totally frowned upon by doctors due to the temperature of my water. I thought hot water would help, but NOTHING seemed to help the back pain. I got out, and curled into a ball on our spare bed, doing ANYTHING to try to get comfortable.. nothing was working.. It was happening every 15 minutes for awhile, and starting getting closer and closer together.
I called my sister at 11:30P.M. to ask her to come over & to take me to the hospital because I might be in labour. She was on route the second I was off the phone. I woke up my husband to tell him I was going to the hospital, and Sara (my sister), was driving me. He looked at me confused, and tried telling me he was coming. I said no. I would HATE to go there, & have it be nothing, as you have to be up in a few hours for work. It's not like we're having her right now, I told him. I'm pretty persuasive when I insist something.
We get to the hospital, shortly after 12:15. The nurse confirms that I'm having fairly strong contractions but I'm only 1 CM, so I have to GO HOME, RELAX AND SLEEP. First of all, I hate you right now for telling me this. (Bless her soul, she's only doing her job, but I'm in labour, and not thinking clearly.).
With that being said, I've only been doing that for HOURS before coming here. I asked her, so am I having the baby soon? #firsttimemom She looks at me and says, go home sweetie, and try to sleep. You're going to need your energy for when baby does decide to come! And, right now is not that time. I get the feeling she just wanted me to leave.. is it because it's 1A.M.?
I complained the whole way home to my sister about how rude she was! I get home, and told Aaron that it was a false alarm, but I'm pretty sure we're having a baby soon, and he should NOT go to work in an hour. (He had a 2.5 hour drive ONE WAY to location.) He called his boss, and all was good, they knew our due date was fast approaching, so they had him covered.
Through the entire night, I had strong contractions on and off about every 15-30 minutes apart, so I barely slept. I had a doctor appointment the following day at 9:30A.M. where we were going to talk induction / plans for after due date, if she hadn't arrived yet! & at 9:00A.M. right before my appointment, BAM. They stop. My contractions FREAKING stop. Are you kidding me? False labour.. Cool.
At my doctors appointments, I progressed to a 2, but the Doctor tells me that he cannot confirm if we will have the baby soon or not. But that my body is preparing to have baby. YAY, how exciting.
Fast forward to 4:00P.M. that same day (Friday, June 9th), the contractions come back with a vengeance! We were enjoying "cocktail hour" (I obviously was not drinking), but that's what we call cheese, crackers & drinks pre-supper. Aarons parents were with us on our back patio. I suddenly get an intense pain again, I jolt and yell ow! Everyone quickly asks if I'm okay, I say, yeah, I'm fine, I just got a bad cramp, all of a sudden.
His parents leave shortly after supper, and as the evening goes on, my contractions get stronger, and get closer together. I start timing them. They're 3- 5 mins apart and hurt like a son of a you-know-what. (I should also mention, I do feel like I have a pretty high pain tolerance.) They stopped me dead in my tracks, and NOTHING was making me comfortable. It is GO-TIME. We hop in the car, around 10P.M. and go to the hospital.
I am 3 CM - YAY!! We can stay, & we're officially IN LABOUR... The nurse tells us "Congratulations, you're going home with a baby!"
At that very moment, I had so many emotions going through my head! I was mostly excited, knowing that we were going home with our new bundle of joy.. it was going to be SMOOOOOTH SAILING, as I was already progressing so much on my own... HA, ROOKIE.
I was a little arrogant about the way I intended to bring my baby into the world. People told me, 'Throw your birth plan out the window, because it’s not as easy as that.' You'll have plan, A, B, or C, and plan Z will happen. But I was determined to have a vaginal birth. I skimmed all of the C-section reading material. My mom had four kids. (All girls) My 3 older sisters all have kids too. I thought to myself, This is going to be SIMPLE. Piece of Cake.
My birth plan consisted of no pain meds, no epidural, no c-sections.. you know.. the usual.
Little did we know, there was other plans for us. Shit got serious really fast. When we first got to the hospital, I told the nurse, whatever you do DO NOT offer me an epidural. If I ASK for it, great, but DO NOT offer it, you understand me? She was an angel. We will call her Sam for privacy reasons.
Fast forward a little bit, I had EVERYONE in the room with me! At first it started as "Can I come see you." But, it quickly turned into, "I want yo to stay." Aaron, my mom, Aaron's mom, and my sister Sara were all there. We were having a grand ole time. Aaron was massaging my back, while my mom held a cold washcloth on my head! Sara cheered me on , and Aaron's mom was there for moral support! The nurse, Sam, breathed with me through my contractions, and did everything to try to help me be comfortable. (She's my all-time fav nurse.)
I was in HARD labour for a solid 8 hours. (Contractions EVERY minute, on the minute for a minute long.) I asked for pain meds - laughing gas was a joke, I needed something stronger, but NOT the epidural.. I'm pretty set in my ways, and as I mentioned before, an epidural was NOT on my birth plan.
My mom demanded an epidural for me, and I lashed back at her. (Sorry, Mom). Sam gave me whatever they give you, that's stronger than laughing gas.. and a little bit too much of it. She came in the room 10-15 minutes after starting my drip, and said "whoa, that went quick." (I don't remember this, as I was clearly higher than a kite, but Aaron told me about it AFTER.)
Fast forward to 4A.M. They FINALLY called the doctor when I started to feel a TON of pressure. He came, and I was only 4CM. (Shut up. 4CM.. I had been contracting as if I was 10CM for hours, and I'm only a 4!?) She's there, and ready, but you cannot push right now, he said. He told me he was going to go down to his office, and come back in an hour, and if I hadn't progressed WE WERE DOING A C SECTION.
**This is where it gets traumatizing** But don't worry, there is a happy ending.
Wait, what. I was TERRIFIED of C sections. Why do we need to do a C section, I thought, as I drifted to sleep in between my contractions, only to wake up SCREAMING in pain, and having those same thoughts over and over again in my head for the FULL HOUR. I was TOTALLY exhausted. Mentally, and physically.
He came back at 5A.M. (Impeccable Doctor), and surprise! NO PROGRESS AT ALL.
They very quickly prepped me for the OR. (we were both in a lot of distress, so it was a fairly quick process.) They transferred me from bed to bed to bed. I get into the OR, and my husband isn't allowed in. WHAT. Where is my husband? I need him right now more than anything. I bawled, while insisting that he needed to be with me for this. It's probably a good thing I was loopy, or hell would have broke loose. In my head, I thought they were not allowing him in the room at all.
They call the anesthesiologist to come a give me my spinal. I remember him saying "You MUST stay still, or I can paralyze you. I need you to breathe. I was freaking out. My nurse, Sam (I think that's what we called her), tilted my chin up, and looked me DEAD in the EYES. Her eyes were BEAT RED, so blood shot from being tired, and working with me through the night.(I'll NEVER forget it.)
She looked at me and said "take a deep breath", as she breathed with me. "Again", she said, so calm-like. She nodded at the anesthesiologist, and he explained what he was doing / what I was feeling.. he waited for one more contraction, and BAM, done. Just like that. They laid me on the OR table, and placed a really cold object on my feet. They asked me if it was cold or hot. I said it's freezing. He said where is it? "It's at my feet," I said annoyed, as if he's trying to "test" me in labour..
What about now? I couldn't feel anything. I looked at him blankly. That's what they're going for, here. They said okay, bring him in. My husband entered all "coated up", and he just looked at me, and said "you're amazing." Tears streaming down my face, I just held his face, and I did not want to let him go.
Within half an hour, at 7:11 A.M, she was born. Her cord was wrapped around her neck numerous times, and she was not screaming at first. It felt like a lifetime, but within a minute she let out a big cry, and I was relieved. During this all, I was shaking uncontrollably, so they gave me some meds for that, during the surgery. (I asked).
*I feel like I should add: my experience was more traumatizing than it HAD to be. I believe that had I not been so exhausted, or loopy, I would have been "in the right mind frame" and things wouldn't have been so scary for me. Also note, the doctors and nurses, etc, EVERYONE who was in the OR was AMAZING! The anesthesiologist kept asking me how I was doing, and ensuring I was "as comfortable" as possible.
When they put her on me, my body stopped shaking, but I could still "feel" the shakiness inside me. I "held" her for a short time before demanding that they take her off of me because I didn't feel "strong" enough to hold her, and I was terrified I would drop her. (They had her the whole time, but again, I was pretty loopy.).
I don't remember when, but Aaron left the OR to be with Lilly, while they stitched me up. At some point after she was born, I fell asleep. I woke up when they were "finishing up"... hours later., and I was VERY confused. I opened my eyes, and it was like I was in a movie. I'm slowly blinking because the light above my head is so bright. I look around and can't see anyone familiar, as my vision was blurred, probably because of the bright lights.
**Please forgive me for what I did / said while I was in labour LOL!**
"Where's my husband!!!" I demanded. "Brianne, you just had a C Section, we're just finishing up. The baby is fine, and is with your husband," the doctors explained. "Did I fall asleep, or did you put me to sleep?" I recall in my head losing it, because for some reason, I didn't trust what they were saying. I don't remember what happened, but my family doctor grabbed my hand, and said "Hunny, we didn't put you to sleep, you fell asleep. You were even snoring!" It was like my brain flipped a switch, and EVERYTHING WAS OKAY. Her sense of humor is why I liked her as our Family Doctor. All of a sudden, all of those blurry faces came to sense, and I could see them clearly now.
They finished up, and rolled me into the recovery room, where I saw a new nurse. (She was one of my high school friends sisters, let's call her Shelly). I looked at Shelly and said "Holy f*cking sh*t, Shelly!!! She grabbed my hand and just held it, and smiled at me. In the recovery room, she asked me to "wiggle" my toes. I tried... NOTHING. OH MAN. I'm paralyzed, was my first thought. This is why I didn't want an epidural. This is why I'm terrified of C Sections. I can't take care of a baby while being paralyzed.
She looked at me, and said, "It's okay. It can take awhile sometimes.. we will try again in 15 minutes. I then proceeded to ask, yet again, "Where is Aaron?" She said, he is with the baby, you will get to see them both very soon. Don't worry, she's healthy, and doing great. Right now, we need to take care of you.
She asked me to wiggle my toes again 15 minutes later, and I could wiggle my LEFT side, but not my RIGHT side. I panicked again. She did look a little worried, but she held it together fairly well. She said, it's okay, we will try again in 10 minutes. Thankfully, 10 minutes later, I could wiggle both sides. She checked my blood pressure for what seemed like the 100th time, and I was cleared.
Aaron & Lilly came in shortly after, and I just cried. Tears of joy. Tears of sadness. Tears of every emotion possible. But one thing's for sure: I was so happy to see them both, as they were happy to see me. I nursed her for the first time, and it went great. She was perfect, and Aaron was such a trooper. I didn't realize how much time had gone by.. apparently it had been HOURS, and my ENTIRE family was worried something had happened to me. The average C section takes about 45 minutes, and I didn't go back to to the room until 3 hours AFTER she was born. I ended up having some internal injuries that the DOC had to fix while he was "in there".
I got up and started moving around as QUICK as possible, within a few hours! (BEST advice you'll ever get.) In my next post, maybe we can talk about "recovery".. but for now, this is our story.
If there's one thing I know to be true: It's that doctors and nurses are professionals. They not only know what is "best" but they also work INCREDIBLE while under immense pressure! I m very lucky that I trusted my nurse, and of course, my Doctor as well. We found out after, that if the surgery hadn't been done when it was, we both could have potentially not made it. I am SO thankful that my Doctor made the quick decision to just "DO IT" even though, in my head, I wanted ANYTHING but!
I've had time to heal, obviously externally, but mostly internally. No one tells you about the emotionally stress of birth, especially with an unplanned C Section. I felt less of a woman. I felt that my body had failed me. I felt that I failed as a mother from the start because I couldn't "give birth the real way." I felt that I had failed my husband. & mostly, I wondered, and constantly thought about: WHAT IF. If you've had a traumatic birth experience, just know your feeling are VALID.
I constantly thought: What if I did things differently? What if I had gotten a epidural? Would I have been able to relax and would have had a "natural" birth? What if I had just been "stronger" and pushed through. SO many thoughts that wracked my brain. I felt cheated out of this huge part of the journey to motherhood, in addition to feeling like a failure for quite some time. Over the years, I've come to realize, that I am in fact, NO less of a mother. I still gave birth! & I love my children more than ever.
If a C Section arises during your labour, try to trust your nurse and Doctors. It's okay to be scared, but in our case, a c section was necessary. There's this preconceived notion that C Sections are "bad", or "unwomanly", or whatever else. While those things are far from the truth, what I do know to be true is as long as baby is healthy, that's all that matters. Yes, there is risks. But there's risks to a lot of things in life.
And at the end of the day, no matter how bad I feel that my baby's VERY medical, surgical birth, ended that way, I love her more than anything. And as far as I'm concerned, I don't know that there is anything more "natural" about parenting than LOVE.
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