Positive Parenting: Raising Kids Not Assholes.

Let’s talk about how to raise kids, not assholes, shall we? Yes, I said it. Now, let's move on with the controversial topic..

I often get asked how I’m “so patient” with my kids., and why my kids are such great listeners, etc. While I do believe I have days where I have an infinite amount of patience (kind of like osmo - which is a great learning app by the way.) I do also have the days where there’s none.

I'm going to share my top 11 tips that help me remain calm, patient, and help our house run smooth. Disclaimer: This is what works for us. You might not like some (or all) of them, and that's fine.. move on! But I promise these are tried, and true, and totally worth it. The sooner you can start, the better! I'm not a professional, just a mama doing her best, and constantly researching.

Let's get to the list!

1.) Get rid of trying to be “perfect”.

There’s no such thing as the “perfect” mom. It’s such an unattainable “goal”, and in turn will continue to create a negative emotion when you continually miss that goal of perfectionism. Throw perfect out the window, and focus on becoming 1% better than you were yesterday.

2.) Stop comparing yourself to anyone but yourself, and the woman you were yesterday. We have all annoyingly heard the statement “comparison is the thief of joy”, and while it is SO true, it can also be such a blessing. But the only way it becomes a blessing is if you’re comparing yourself to yourself and that's all. In order to grow, and become a better human being, you have to constantly evaluate yourself, your thoughts, and more.

Ask yourself: How can I be better than I was yesterday.

3.) Be impeccable with your words.

If you say you're going to do something - do it, and vice versa. This goes for EVERYTHING, no exceptions. Your kids will learn real quick that you mean business. Our oldest daughter knew from the start, as that's all she knew, however our second had to learn "the hard way", as we let things go frequently.

If I say there's no show today, there's no show. End of story. PS. always take away the show LAST. There's nothing worse then when they don't get their show, and me some quiet time mid-day. But you get the idea. No treats = no treats.

If you say " if you hit Sally again, we're going to go home", and boom. What does your toddler do? They look you dead in the eye and continue to hit Sally. What's your next step?

For us, we make them apologize to Sally, and then we go home. End of story. Again, the more consistent you are the better -- actually there's no room for inconsistency here. Or it gets very confusing for them, and they'll continue to constantly push your buttons because you don't stick to your word, and the vicious cycle repeats itself. Some key things to remember when implementing this (& I truly think it's one of the most important things):

a.) Don't take anything away you're not willing to take away. This might be different when you're out in public, vs at your own home.

b.) Listen to your child, and try to use positive reinforcement rather than nagging / yelling.

4.) Listen to your child, and explain things to your children in great detail.

We have always explained to our children the "why". You know when your toddler is trying something and you just instantly say "no!" Naturally, they're going to want to be defiant.

Whereas if you actually explain why they shouldn't be doing what they're doing, they'll catch on a lot quicker. In saying that, yes sometimes they need to learn for themselves too. But again, this will help encourage them, and also guide them to understand why no means no.

If your child is in trouble, or is getting upset/ angry it can obviously be more difficult to reason with a child, and I do not believe in trying to discipline mid-tantrum. Personally, I like to get down to their level and speak to them calmly, again using encouraging words, while explaining. Things like:

" I see that you're feeling (angry, upset, sad, etc)" Help them identify the emotion, and work them through it. "I understand you're upset.." & Explain why they can't do x,y,x (negative behaviour)

"Mommy is here.."

5.) Encourage positive behaviour.

Children want your attention, and are willing to go the very extreme to get it. If you can encourage positive behaviour, they will continue to do those behaviours to get your attention, and same with negative behaviour. Don't get me wrong, there's times where ignoring the negative behaviour isn't possible. (Ex. fighting / hitting / pulling hair, etc... yes, I've been there too.), but if possible, try to ignore the negative behaviours and really focus / hone in on those positive behaviours.

If you're child is having a full blown tantrum / cry sesh, this is what I would say: "NAME of child, I cannot understand you when you're crying like that, can you try to use your big girl (or boy) words to explain it to me?"

6.) Bribe them.

Don't come at me, I'm just telling you what works for us. We use treats as bribery, and my oldest even tries to negotiate with me now. They get 1 treat after supper for a.) Good behaviour ex. being kind / listening

b.) Eating all of their supper

*Treats are one of the first things we take away for bad behaviour.

We also make a batch of healthy (no sugar) muffins weekly, and it's GREAT incentive. Every day, they get one. It tastes like a treat, but it's super healthy -- win-win. Sometimes it's after gymnastics for listening to their coach. Other times it's after the grocery store for listening / staying close to me. Basically the muffins are for when we're leaving the house.

7.) Limit Treats.

As our children grow older, we become more lenient on what we allow them to eat. Our first didn't have sugar until she was 2, and in fact, I baked her a healthy banana, blueberry "cake" for her 1st birthday (she didn't complain but it truly wasn't even a cake. I don't think I should legally be able to call it that). Our second was a lot earlier than that, and she had sugar on her first birthday - it was hell. Seriously, sugar is the devil.

I truly believe in the phrase "everything in moderation", but sugar, and processed foods is something we work very hard on to limit. (Not just for the kids, but for us too). We don't eat fast food, unless we're travelling, and even still we bring a cooler with fruit/veggies and peanut butter sandwiches. We use honey, and maple syrup to sweeten things. We're not totally crazy.. we allow sugar at birthdays /etc. But that's really it, and they usually share a piece of cake, because their little bodies just can't handle the sugar.

SUGAR = MELTDOWNS. It's my motto.

8.) Give age-appropriate chores.

Every day at 4:00P.M. we do "clean up time". It is the girls' responsibility to tidy up / put away all of the toys in the playroom before we watch a show, and I cook supper. Having age-appropriate chores honestly helps our household run smooth. I want to teach my children to not only do chores, but to ENJOY doing household tasks.

A few other incredible age appropriate chores are things like: -putting dirty clothes in the laundry hamper

-putting dishes in the sink/on the counter after meals

-pick up toys

-put books away

-feed the pet

-make bed, etc

For a full list of chores, just do a quick google search: "Age appropriate chores".

9.) Limit T.V. / Screen Time

We have show time daily after clean up time. Depending on the day will depend how many shows they get. In the winter, we definitely allow more screen time, and then in the summer, most nights we barely have time for 1 show, if any at all! But we're not the house that has the T.V. constantly going on in the background. With the specified time to watch a show, the girls know when it's coming, and this is when I'm able to cook our family a nice home-cooked meal every night.

10.) Offer Choices

This is another one that is GOLD. Children like to feel like they're in control! Sometimes asking them a loaded question like "what do you want to wear today" and when they pick the most horrendous outfit, ex. shorts in the winter, and you have to tell them no, now they're upset, and you're back in that vicious cycle - it's horrible and you're setting yourself up for failure.

Instead, let's get you set up for success! Here's what I recommend saying instead: Do you want to wear this shirt today, or this one? (As you hold up both options) This goes for many things, I'm just using picking clothes as an example.) You're in control, while still giving them a choice.

Same with "going outside". Sometimes we just need to get out and burn off some energy.. you feel me? But have you ever said "do you want to go play outside?" (without it being a question in your head), and your toddler responds with no! I don't want to!"

Whoa.. that escalated quickly... #toddlers.

Instead, I'll ask a question like: Do you want to ride your scooter, or your bike?

A.K.A. We're going outside, end of story, here's what you get to decide: scooter or bike.

You can also spice things up a bit by giving it a different name. Ex. we like to go for "creature walks" which is just a fancy word for after dinner walk in the dark with a flashlight. Another one is a walk in the jungle. Which is just a fancy word for a trail near our house that's surrounded by trees. Get Creative!!

I also use this "choice" method when disciplining, and it really teaches critical thinking. Ex. Your child is mad, and hits their cousin because cousin threw sand in her hair by accident. This is how I'd work my toddler through a similar situation:

*Get down to their level* "Honey, are you feeling upset right now?" "Okay, can you tell me why you're feeling upset?" (Speaks gibberish because they're crying and you can't understand them) "Lilly, I cannot understand you when you're crying like that, can you try to use your big girl words to explain it to me?"

*explains why they're upset* Okay, I understand that you're feeling upset, but I won't let you hurt your cousin. Can you say sorry for hitting cousin? Thank you, Lilly. That's very kind of you. Now do you want to keep playing with your cousin, or do you want to build a sand castle over here?

11.) Give them Reminders throughout the day, focusing on the good.

This works wonders for potty training, getting them to eat their meals, etc. During supper this is one of my favourite tactics.

Common Issue: Child refusing to eat dinner, and getting upset - we've all been there.

Two ways to go about this: a.) "Child's Name, you don't have to eat your supper, but there's no treats if you don't eat your supper.

b.) "Child's Name, remember, if you eat all of your supper, you get to have a treat after!

Both are okay, I usually use option a when my patience has run thin. But option B is optimal. It focuses on the behaviour that you want done, and in a positive way.

I hope you enjoyed these tips, and found this helpful! Don't forget to give this a heart if you found value in it! & share! Share it with your friends/family, or tag me on your socials! I'd love to hear about your success stories / takeaways!

If you're comfortable, please share your biggest takeaway in the comment section!